oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You pole danced in your parka.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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