I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
