I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
