I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
