I must be too annoying 4 u.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
