just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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