life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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