I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
