Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
