remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we're making bets on your personal life
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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