True but thats because hes a fetus.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
