I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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