2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
