grandma shit on top of the toilet
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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