I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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