You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
