Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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