Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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