Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
