It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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