I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
40s are totally the cure
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
