maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
