God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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