What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
