cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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