he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It was like getting head from an anaconda
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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