She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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