dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
