ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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