you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
