I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
