You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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