I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize