how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
