i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize