i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
