I met the friendliest cop last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
