Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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