He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
