forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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