I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
