Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
