What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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