You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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