Porn is love you can see.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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