is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
