Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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