i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
