yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize