that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
