what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
