Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
