3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
